A-Rod Claims He Thought Steroids Were Candy

New York – February 18th - Baseball star Alex Rodriguez said to a reporter following a press conference on Tuesday that he thought the steroids he allegedly took were candy, and that he was unaware of any illegal substances in his body.

The reporter, who asked to remain anonymous, claims that A-Rod said he had been given the performance-enhancing drugs by his cousin. “I felt the sugar rush afterward; I didn’t think anything of it,” Rodriguez was quoted as saying.

Sports Illustrated reported recently that Alex Rodriguez took 2 anabolic steroids in 2003, while playing for the Texas Rangers. The use of steroids and other performance enhancers has been an issue for a while among major league sports players.

“In retrospect, I should have been more careful. The candy made me feel good though and I’m still not convinced it was otherwise. However, I am grateful to be playing baseball as a career,” the pro player said in an unrelated interview.

According to other sources, there really isn’t anything anyone can do about it now, and Rodriguez won’t be punished or prosecuted or investigated. Why the magazine came out with the story is unknown. When a source there was contacted, a vague answer alluded to the fact that the sports publication just needed something to report.

Scarlett Johansson Shows Off Ring, Drops It Down Sewer

New York - May 6th - Just minutes after allowing photographers to take snapshots of her new diamond ring, received in her engagement to Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett Johansson accidentally dropped it down a sewer opening in the street.

At the corner of 5th Avenue and 82nd street, the actress was posing for photographs, and suddenly the ring slid off her finger, onto the street, and down a sewer.

The 23-year-old had announced the engagement earlier in the day, and was showing it off at the Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Johansson proceeded to scream expletives, make manic calls on her cell phone, and kick Ryan Reynolds, according to witnesses.

It was during this time, according to information corroborated from various reports, that several photographers ripped open the sewer grating. One man, with camera in hand, jumped in head first, while the others waited. Unaccountable reports say two more photographers entered the sewer when the other didn't respond after several minutes.

Both Scarlet Johansson's publicists and the NYPD deny that the ring had fallen into the sewer.

Miley Cyrus on Picture Poses: It Wasn't Me.

Los Angeles - May 1st - In an unrelated interview somewhere in Los Angeles last night, in which she was questioned about her recent appearance in provocative photographs, Miley Cyrus responded by denying that it was in fact her and father Billy Ray Cyrus in the pictures.

"It wasn't me," she shouted, "I wish everyone would stop saying that it was, damn it!"

When once again asked, at an undisclosed location, whether she thought it was the right idea to have the photographs taken, she said, "I said it wasn't me. It wasn't me, and it wasn't my dad!" Miley Cyrus then swung around, flung her arms up once, and then stomped into a room and slammed the door.

She was once again asked about the matter, to which almost immediately there was a loud bang against the door.

A few minutes later. "Miley… Why did you do it," the questioner asked.

There was complete silence. The seconds ticked, slower and slower. Then the doorknob turned, slowly at first, but then the door swung violently open. A young teenage girl stood there with a tremendous load. It's volume spoke its tenacity. The young star proceeded forward with the bazooka, and the questioner turned and ran for his life. Once out the door, he heard an explosion, and ran faster. At the next, he ran faster still, wondering what his true limit was. For a while, well into the night, he ran, until he could be sure there was no danger. Realizing he was on the other side of town now, the exhausted questioner scanned the unfamiliar territory for transportation options. But first, he stopped to catch his breath. When he looked up, there she was. "So long, sucker."

American Idol Contestants Start Brawl on Live Broadcast

Los Angeles, CA - April 15th - The remaining 7 contestants on American Idol spontaneously began fighting each other on the set Tuesday night as the broadcast drew to a close, according to sources at Fox.

The incident started when Ryan Seacrest told everyone they did a great job singing the songs of Mariah Carey, to which Kristy Lee Cook replied, "Mine was the best." Syesha Mercado then said, "No, mine was," playfully but Cook looked at her angrily. "No, everybody knows mine was," David Archuletta interjected. "No," Christy said as she pushed him. Carly Smithson then threw her arms up in the air, Brook White standing in between, and said, "Don't push him!" Christy then hit Carly, who stood there in shock, while Archulette kicked Christy. Meanwhile, Jason Castro stumbled over and grabbed Christy's behind, to which she promptly responded by putting him in a headlock. All of them then subsequently disappeared in a cloud of dust.

First to appear out of the cloud of dust was Brook White. Though looking a little frazzled, she quickly waved it off and proceeded to walk off stage.

Nobody was seriously hurt, said Ryan Seacrest in an unrelated interview, and producers told the press that no serious damaged was incurred to the set of the popular television show.

Wolf Blitzer to Guest-Host Wheel of Fortune

Atlanta, GA - March 22nd - Sources at ABC say that CNN's Wolf Blitzer will appear as a guest-host on the long-running gameshow Wheel of Fortune sometime next month.

The cable television news personality will host 3 episodes that will air during the 3rd week of April, according to an ABC spokesperson, who also added that Mr. Blitzer was extraordinarily enthusiastic about the appearance.

During a day off last week, according to a statement coerced out of Lou Dobbs, Blitzer traveled to the Wheel of Fortune studio to rehearse, which included learning how to spin the wheel, talk to contestants, and practice proper etiquette in the presence of Vanna White.

"I just hope he remembers to let go as the wheel starts to spin," Larry King said in an unrelated statement.